Our society is rough on new families. Really, really rough. What is expected seems impossible: bring in money, run a home, care for small, dependent, children (who are prone to self-injurious behaviors), manage cars, toys, clothes, and shoes, keep everyone fed and cleaned...the list goes on and on. And, in this fast-paced, race, race, race world, how are parents supposed to be able to do all of this...and also raise the next generation to be smart, happy, and well-attached? Especially when many of us parents-of-young-children have little or no family support nearby to help. After 5-1/2 years of motherhood, I cannot figure this out. It is unsolvable.
In my psychology practice, I treat a number of parents of this generation...and I hear this story over and over again. How can a mom work full-time, bring home the majority of the family's income, feed everyone, clean the house, AND get to spend time with her child? There is not enough time. There is not enough emotional space. Moms like this get no time for their own self-care. How can a father work full-time, deal with the pressures and demands of a job while supporting his family financially, and also be able to be home in time to relieve his burned-out, exhausted, stay-home wife...and be available to spend time with his children? And how can the couple, the parents, find time to connect with each other so that their marriage stays strong? Really, these are impossibilities. Yet, with lots of planning and strategizing, these parents manage to scrape by, often by lowering their standards in one of these areas. It's the only way.
You have no idea how much I wish I could solve these problems. But it is impossible. In a society where everyone is spread thin, disconnected, and life pressures and demands are enormous, parents often suffer. I know that some families have it easier than other families (when they have adequate social supports), but for the most part, I think our society has failed in this area. Where are our priorities? Help parents help their children! Come ON!!!
In Sweden, new mothers and fathers are BOTH entitled to a year of leave when a child is born. My understanding is that this is paid for with government (tax) money. In this way, the entire society has said that it values new parents and values the work they are doing to bring up the next generation. It will support them however possible. Our society seems short-sighted...will it ever change?
If you have any thoughts or strategies that have worked for you...please share them with me! I would love to hear how you're managing this selfless phase-of-life.
We are one of the lucky few who can a) afford to have a parent stay at home until the kids are in school (by living in a small, older home and not driving expensive cars, not taking vacations other than family trips, etc) and b) have a lot of nearby support and family. I literally have NO IDEA how other families manage to juggle two careers, two or more kids, pets, a home, car maintenance, friends, family, a sex life, etc. I just think our society has propogated this horrible myth that you really can have it all, all at once, and I don't see how it's possible. At least, not without drastically lowering your standards, as you noted.
ReplyDeleteI am constantly worried about this. As a full-time working mom with a flexible job, I am trying to work and be home in an awkward tightrope walk. And my fear is that something will happen to my children's development in my absence, when they're being watched by someone other than me or their father. T1 was punished at the after-school care program the other day for something that he didn't do. No one even bothered to check the facts.
ReplyDeleteI manage this difficult time by marveling at all the good times we do get to share. Yes, we only go to visit family when we do take trips and my car, too, is almost 10 years old. But at the end of the day, we have happy, healthy children, who love their family and do not seem to be suffering at all through any of this (despite an unwarranted time out). I am so grateful for what I have, and the time I do have to spend with kids. DG and I have to constantly work that delicate balance, but it's so worth it. Life is rich.
Thanks so much for these awesome posts!!
ReplyDeleteHi there,
ReplyDeleteThis is Sarah (Lunchboxmom) and I am about to do a post related to this. I'd love to email you and run an idea past you. Here is my email: sarahvanderschaaff@msn.com
If you want to chat, send me an email and we can touch base about this subject. It's so hard for everyone.
Love your blog.
-Sarah
http://www.lunchboxmom.blogspot.com