From the time I can remember, the holidays have been rough. My parents got divorced when I was 2 years old, and there was no greater time of parental struggles than during the holidays. The struggles were always over where the kids would go for Christmas, and when they would arrive. And no matter what, we were always delivered to one parent or another LATER than agreed upon, which always caused someone to be angry, hurt, and disappointed. This was the case for my entire childhood, year after year. No matter which parent I was with, I felt I was letting the other parent down, hurting them by not being there. (Even though, of course, none of this was my fault...)
Once I met my husband, he pointed out that this pattern was still going on, even in my adult years. In fact, he made a list entitled "The History of Holiday Hurts." Every year, he would write onto the list what the annual "hurt" was. The list is very full now, mostly of complaints made by each of my parents. My father never gets enough attention for the gifts he gives. My mother never feels we spend enough time with her. Hurt, hurt, hurt....waah, waah, waah...
Now that we have THE LIST, I can really see what I have done wrong...Nothing! My parents just act like little babies at this time of year, and apparently this has been the case since I was a toddler.
So, this year, we spent the holidays at home with our children and our friends--and did not invite my mom or dad. Sure, my parents were hurt by this, but at least I only had to deal with the occasional whining of my young boys (who are at an age where whining is EXPECTED)! I felt a lot of my own angst about this decision, but I don't think my kids could tell, since they had an awesome time!
Sorry, Mom and Dad, if this hurt you again. But I am trying to stay focused on your grandchildren so that the holidays don't fill them with anxiety and guilt when they're parents themselves.
(note: my parents don't actually read this blog.)
Ah, families, holidays, and guilt... It's a match made in heaven. But sounds like you've had it worse than most people, and it's time for a zero-tolerance policy re: parental guilt trips!
ReplyDeleteHow great that you've finally been able to see the pattern at work here and cut it off! Sounds like you've got a good husband, too.
No kidding, Sarah! Zero-tolerance is totally in effect...which reminds me that it's my mom's birthday today and I totally forgot to call her! What would Freud say? :) You're right, too, about my hubby...check him out on the "aspiring taoist" blog (link on this site).
ReplyDeleteHappy New Year! I promise my next post will have more cheer!
Not that it's any of my business, but I think you made a fabulous choice! Holidays shouldn't be painful just b/c of family obligations. I'm sure it was a difficult decision to make, but I imagine it must have been freeing!
ReplyDeleteIt sounds like you did something very good for yourself and your family. It cannot be easy to make that kind of choice. I am amazed that parents do not realize how they hurt their children (even their adult children). Good for you for redefining the future of your holidays...
ReplyDeleteWe had Christmas alone without any family too. The best Christmas ever. Congratulations on your choice.
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