Friday, May 27, 2011

Dreams Don't Lie

It seems like I dream the most in the early morning hours. Last night, I was up for a while at 3am for no good reason. I don't remember falling asleep again, but I do remember waking after this dream.

In the dream, I am at the house where I lived with my mother during my last 2 years of high school. I loved this house, and I often dream I am there. (She doesn't live there any more.)

Someone comes to tell me that my little boy, Tot-Tot (age 4) is outside. I look out the window and I see him. It's winter and he is wearing a short-sleeved shirt, with no coat. His face is red and tear-soaked. He has apparently walked a long way, alone in the cold, to find me.

The sight of him, cold and frightened, rips me apart. I rush to him and grab him eagerly up into my arms and he is instantly comforted. I awake with a jolt, yearning for him. And feeling deep gratitude that we are under the same roof.

He wakes soon after I do, and even though it is 5:45 a.m., I am thrilled to hear the sound of his small voice calling me from the next room. I swear, in that moment, that I will be a better mother. I will give him more of myself. I will make him my priority. I will treasure him. I will give him the attention he wants and deserves.

Because I can. And thank god for that.