Don't Be Perfect

I became a mother over 5 years ago. My first son was a screamer. He cried nonstop for, oh, about 4 months... As a new mom of an unsoothable baby, I could not understand why no one had told me how much motherhood sucked. (It wasn't until I had my second child that I realized that all babies did not scream like he did!)

Even though his colic/reflux only lasted a few months, I still feel how it has impacted my mothering. It is psychological torture to be unable to soothe your baby. I responded to my sense of utter inadequacy by trying to do things just right. I quit working to stay home with him. I made sure he napped and ate on schedule. We had the same routine every night. In short, my striving to be a perfect mother made me miserable.

In psychology grad school, I had read Winicott, and knew about the concept of the "good-enough mother." It took me years, though, to finally appreciate WHY being good-enough is far, far better than being perfect. Here's a quote from Winicott:

"The good-enough mother...starts off with an almost complete adaptation to her infant's needs, and as time proceeds she adapts less and less completely, gradually, according to the infant's growing ability to deal with her failure" (Winnicott, 1953)

I think that I've gotten a lot better at failing as a mother. It's not always a great feeling, failure, but the more I do it, the more my children learn to adapt to it. If I were to keep striving for perfection, I would still be miserable, and my children would have no sense about some of life's realities: disappointment, delayed gratification, separation, annoyance...

But, as you will see in reading this blog, I struggle CONSTANTLY with my desire to be perfect, to have it all. I guess this is one of the main problems faced by modern-day mothers. I have a lot to say about that...and I will in blogs to come.