Averting My Eyes

Motherhood has taught me a lot of things about myself. For example, before having children, I didn't fully realize that I am a closet perfectionist. And, yes, I know that "closet perfectionist" is a double-entendre (a word/phrase with more than one meaning). So, I am a closet perfectionist because (1) my closets must be perfect and (2) I tend to not let other people know that I am a perfectionist. I didn't really have to face my own perfectionism until children came along...and...DESTROYED EVERYTHING that I was so perfectionistic about.

I have also realized that my perfectionism often manifests itself in compulsive organizing. I really, really, REALLY love it when everything has its own place, and when things are put back where they go. I RELY on being organized during crazy, stressed-out times, so that I can find what I need, when I need it.

[I'm sure you know where this is leading...]

We all know that there is no crazier, more stressed-out phase-of-life than the transition-to-parenthood. This is a time when I have needed my own organizational systems more than ever before...and, yet, since having children, my urge to organize has been the source of deep frustration for me. I have, by some miracle, found time here-and-there to create would-be effective organizational systems...like toy bins with labels, so that the kids and their babysitters can put the proper toys back in the proper bins. But, really, do you think this actually happens? (Can I get a resounding "HELL NO!"??) I have organized our mud room, kitchen cabinets, laundry room, kids closets (of course!), etc etc etc. And nothing stays put. I can never find what I need. I live in a constantly migrating house.

So, I have a new method for dealing with this problem. In order to keep myself from freaking out, crying, or flying-off-the-handle--I AVERT MY EYES. Or I shut a door. Or I make the conscious decision to not THINK about the mess-that-was-once-organized. (Really, this could make me cry. Is that insane or what?)

Because if you are like me, and you need some help with raising your kids (while you work, or even work out), and running your house...then you know that HAVING HELP = RELINQUISHING CONTROL. This is so hard for me. I want the help, but I also want other people to think and do what I would think and do...and, well, it just doesn't work like that.

And, all of this really just makes me hate the stupid Pottery Barn catalog even more. (That post is coming soon.)

How Many No's Does it Take to Equal NO! ?

My older son has stopped listening to me and GEH. It's as if he doesn't hear us at all. He starts doing something dangerous. We tell him to stop. He continues. We pester him. He continues. We nag...until we eventually have to physically interrupt whatever he is doing to get his attention. (Then he often cries and flees the room.)

What is UP with this? I did not think that age 5 would be such a challenge...I feel like he is already in the midst of some teenage-angst-ridden rebellion...ignoring, ignoring, ignoring us...and I am suddenly thrust into the role of the relentlessly nagging annoying mother who just can't let it go....

And the non-listening also happens when we go out. For instance, I took him to Target (aka, China) today to get (lead-ridden) exterior holiday lights. And, of course, he wanted everything. And, of course, I told him "no."

I remember a woman I used to babysit for advising me about being sure to routinely tell my kids "no." If I don't tell them "no" she said, they will not be able to tolerate hearing "no"...and will turn into the kind of kids no one wants to be around. So, I say this word A LOT! I mean, like, over and over and over again:

"No, you can't."
"No, not now."
"No means no!"

And, still, my kid pesters me. I mean, is he just an innocent victim of consumerism? (But this goes on even at home, when he relentlessly demands his own way.) Or does he need a hearing test? (His doctor says his hearing is on par for his age.) Because, I swear, he asks and asks and asks for things, and I repeat "no" each time. And this has. gone. on. for. YEARS.

Is it me? Is my "no" just not convincing enough? Have we coddled him too much in other ways? Do the poor starving kids in third world countries have this problem?

Ugh. Next week, I'll tell you about the whining...

Drowning in Riches

Lately I have been overwhelmed by life. I've had an ongoing sinus headache for TWO (freakin') months--don't worry, I'm seeing my doctor--my psychology practice is really busy, my husband has been traveling for work, and I am still trying to be a (semi) stay-home mom...which means taking care of children, drop-offs and pick-ups, arranging babysitters, grocery shopping (don't EVEN get me started on the f'ing grocery shopping!), and feeding feeding feeding a family of 4. Really, in my attempt to "have it all", I am just overwhelmed.

I talk to my own therapist a lot about this, and her sense is that what I am complaining about could be re-conceptualized as an "abundance of riches." And, you know what? She is right. My life is full of REALLY good stuff (with the exception of the headache...). I have a healthy, happy family, a house, cars that work, money to buy food, and the ability to work part-time and also take care of my kids. So, what the hell am I bitching about? I guess that having this great ABUNDANCE of riches still overwhelms me, since I tend to go into a frenzy of trying to do everything just right. But, I guess I could swap it all for an abundance of crap...and then I'd be really screwed.

Sometimes, re-conceptualizing things is a good idea.

Rush, Rush

I imagine you've noticed how rude people can be driving their cars...zooming in front of you, cutting you off, not waiting their turn (GEH calls those "opportunists!"). On days when I am calm enough myself, I like to watch these patterns. It has been striking me lately that pretty much everyone is a narcissist when they drive (at least in my neighborhood). It's as though no one else's needs matter to the driver who ignores the stop sign to get in front of you. There's no empathy when someone tries to rush past you and nearly clips the back of your car. And...why is that?

Here's my theory. I think that our world is moving too fast, and everyone is, literally, speeding out of control. I imagine that the dude in the pick-up truck who almost runs me down is hurrying because he's late to work because he was up half the night with his newborn and overslept... and now doesn't want to lose his job. The woman in the zippy convertible who's on her cell phone trying to find a babysitter is too distracted to connect with the world around her. In a world where everyone wants everything instantaneously (if not YESTERDAY), we don't stand a chance at empathy. There is just too much pressure on everyone. And we're all victims here...I know I often feel like my own world is speeding out of control. I mean, when I am the asshole driver, I certainly have GOOD REASON!

With our cell phones, and text messages, and e-mail, and instant messages, and twitter and our endless so-called "connectedness" (more on that in a future blog), we have no time to ourselves. No time to breathe, slow down, or think. Maybe it's this phase of life, but I feel constant pressure to be 100 places at once...and this really makes it hard to imagine life from someone else's perspective. It turns me, temporarily, into a narcissist on the road.

The one thing that I think saves me (and hopefully you) from rush rush rushing so fast that I wind up in an early grave is, ironically, the very thing that makes me rush in the first place: motherhood. Even though I am always hurrying for drop-offs and pick-ups and babysitter curfews, it is my children who put things back into perspective. I swear, my sons are little zen masters! They are always IN THE MOMENT. I tend to be in the future, but they bring me back to right-here, right-now. There's no escaping the pull, either...if you are with them, there is no choice but to just BE WITH THEM. And, I am thankful for this. It's a real gift I get...to slow down and connect, instead of rushing right through their childhood.

I hope the other drivers out there have kids to go home to...so they can take a moment to slow down and realize that the man-made pressures of the world are, frankly, crap. This is honestly something I think about in my car, trying resist social-pressure-induced narcissism...

Salad Haiku

Cool, crisp leafy greens-
now I, with kids, miss you. You
take too long to eat.

Peeping Mom

I don't know if this would classify as a diagnosable mental disorder, or if it is even a problem, but I have to tell you that I am a peeping mom. You might have seen me occasionally peeking into your car window, or glancing in your open front door. But don't freak out. I am just checking to see if your car is covered in toys, cheerios, juice, crumbs, mud, wipes, and more toys. And I just want to know if your house has big huge piles of crap where organization once was. When I see that your car and your house are a chaotic, disorganized mess...I feel a wave of relief that I am not alone, a sense of deep cosmic connection, and a reassurance that nothing is really wrong with me...well, except for this peeping compulsion.

Can you get tutoring for "mom brain"?

I recently agreed to run a panel discussion for a psychology symposium, as the panel's discussant. Sounds easy, right? Stand up, introduce the panelists, give a brief description of what everyone is here to talk about, then sit down...

But, actually, there is WORK involved. And I can't keep up with it. I get e-mails telling me what I need to do, including writing my bio, seminar learning goals, etc, and I can't seem to get it done...actually, I can't even remember the BASIC INSTRUCTIONS that I need to follow...you know, like how many goals to write, and when this is all due. WHAT HAS HAPPENED TO MY BRAIN? My capacity for concentration and attention to detail is utterly shot. I would want it back, too, if I could think about it for long enough.

I was encouraged by an article I read last year about motherhood improving cognitive skills, you know, from all the MULTITASKING we do. The main study cited in the article looked at rat mommies and noted that they were able to do about a zillion little rat things while caring for their pups (compared to their male counterparts). **NOTE: Are you noticing how decidedly unscientific this description is? And I have a Ph.D. HA!!** Maybe my brain is somehow stronger now...but I can tell you, it is not functioning properly!

I think someone should start a business of working for moms as their auxiliary brains. For example, this person could follow a mom around, making notes of what needs to be done, posting reminders and regularly whispering in her ear "don't forget the wet clothes need to go into the dryer" or "you should be doing your work and not writing your blog"...or, what the hell, maybe they should just do it for her! Who are these lazy, pestering jerks anyhow?!?

Oy. I need a drink. Speaking of drinks...Did I mention that I quit drinking coffee? It was giving me severe blood sugar crashes. :( Maybe this is my problem lately. Maybe those rodent mommies did so well in their multitasking because they got to drink coffee.

Here's my new hypothesis:

Mom Brain (minus) stimulants = severe cognitive decline

I'd research this myself, but, well...wait...what was I saying?