Lately, I have been feeling very guilty about my lack interest in parenting my kids. It's been a crappy, snowy winter (see my last entry) and I can't bring myself to get the kids out of the house. I get MYSELF out of the house--racing off to work or the gym as soon as childcare arrives, but meeting their needs seems to have fallen off of my to-do list. Bad, bad mommy... So my poor kids are stuck at home, while I make money or build stronger quads.
Let's start at the beginning: I was home with my kids for four years before starting a psychology practice. I had always expected to go right back to work after my pregnancy, but Big Boy was born at the end of my post-doc, so I didn't have a job to return to...plus he had colic and I trusted NO ONE with him (I wanted to kill him myself--and if his own mother felt that way, just imagine how a stranger would feel!)...plus I wasn't licensed to practice independently...plus I had unbearable guilt about leaving my baby.... So, in spite of my wish to work, I stayed home. For. Four. Long. Years. At Home! Four! Years! And I had a second baby during that time, nut that I was. But I did get my psychology license (by some miracle).
When baby # 2 was 10 months old, I FINALLY found a babysitter I could trust...and...I...FLED! I flew out the door so fast I probably made a breeze...whoosh..."what was that blur?" "Oh, nothing, just a burned-out mommy racing at the speed of light to get the hell outta her house!"
And, seriously, I haven't looked back. I used to take Big Boy on all kinds of outings in his early years--to the library, the zoo, play dates, baby music classes, play groups, the museum...you name it. I had to do it. It was the only way for me to tolerate motherhood, stay sane, and keep from losing it with my child. And he benefited, too. He got to go out and see the world, to have fun while being with his closest attachment figure (that's me).
But, now that I have a sitter whom I L-O-V-E LOVE, I have completely lost interest in doing things with my kids. And it's like I barely even remember HOW to do things with them. And it just feels TOO HARD to schlep wild boys, gear, sippy cups, AND me on an outing. And it's winter. And it's cold and windy and snowy....And why would I want to??
But, I hear other moms at school pick up talking about the lessons they're going to after school, or the sled they just bought for the upcoming snow day, or their planned trip to the library/playdate/zoo/etc/etc/etc...and I feel like a total greedy loser of a mom...I bring my kids home...and I run off to do my evening work! And on days like today when school is canceled (in anticipation of a snow that never happened), I ignore their need to get out, but gratify my own.
Is that wrong?
I worry that I have become a selfish, no-fun kind of mommy...maybe I was just home for too long...maybe I went too far past my own limit...my own breaking point...
I do feed them, though. That's something, right?
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