History of Holiday Hurts

From the time I can remember, the holidays have been rough. My parents got divorced when I was 2 years old, and there was no greater time of parental struggles than during the holidays. The struggles were always over where the kids would go for Christmas, and when they would arrive. And no matter what, we were always delivered to one parent or another LATER than agreed upon, which always caused someone to be angry, hurt, and disappointed. This was the case for my entire childhood, year after year. No matter which parent I was with, I felt I was letting the other parent down, hurting them by not being there. (Even though, of course, none of this was my fault...)

Once I met my husband, he pointed out that this pattern was still going on, even in my adult years. In fact, he made a list entitled "The History of Holiday Hurts." Every year, he would write onto the list what the annual "hurt" was. The list is very full now, mostly of complaints made by each of my parents. My father never gets enough attention for the gifts he gives. My mother never feels we spend enough time with her. Hurt, hurt, hurt....waah, waah, waah...

Now that we have THE LIST, I can really see what I have done wrong...Nothing! My parents just act like little babies at this time of year, and apparently this has been the case since I was a toddler.

So, this year, we spent the holidays at home with our children and our friends--and did not invite my mom or dad. Sure, my parents were hurt by this, but at least I only had to deal with the occasional whining of my young boys (who are at an age where whining is EXPECTED)! I felt a lot of my own angst about this decision, but I don't think my kids could tell, since they had an awesome time!

Sorry, Mom and Dad, if this hurt you again. But I am trying to stay focused on your grandchildren so that the holidays don't fill them with anxiety and guilt when they're parents themselves.

(note: my parents don't actually read this blog.)

8 Minutes

I have 8 minutes before the sitter leaves. What shall I do with this time?

I could-

Do some work or
Update my website or
Wrap presents or
Think or
Fix the broken towel-holder in the bathroom or
Look up holiday recipes or
Put away my shoes or
Clean off my desk or
Eat or
Start printing 2 years' worth of photos or
Reply to e-mails or
Return phone calls or
Cancel tomorrow's dentist appointment or
Put away groceries or
Plan for my workshop or
Internet shop for diapers or
Balance my checkbook or
Make a to-do list or
Start the next grocery list or
Breathe or
Sit or
Pee...
Maybe I'll multitask and do these last 3 at once...oh, no...too late. Time's up.

Rock-a-Bye

Have you ever thought about the lyrics to "rock-a-bye baby?"

My toddler, Tot-Tot, has recently been asking me to sing "rock-a-bye baby" to him. I sing it, changing the lyrics from "down will come baby" to "mommy will catch you." Of course, I KNOW that this defeats the whole purpose of the song, which, in my shrink-ish opinion, is to serve as an outlet for maternal aggression. ("All your crying makes me want to throw you from a tree! But I can't, so I'll sing you this sweet-angry song instead," for example...) But, I don't feel particularly aggressive toward my toddler (since now he sleeps all night!), and I don't want to make him scared of falling objects, and I don't want to answer the million questions about how the baby got in the tree, and why he had to fall...so I change the lyrics.

But, now my son has adapted the lyrics even further. He asks me to sing that I am the one up in the tree, that I must fall, and that HE will catch ME.

Touche, Tot-Tot, touche!

Parent Squeeze

Our society is rough on new families. Really, really rough. What is expected seems impossible: bring in money, run a home, care for small, dependent, children (who are prone to self-injurious behaviors), manage cars, toys, clothes, and shoes, keep everyone fed and cleaned...the list goes on and on. And, in this fast-paced, race, race, race world, how are parents supposed to be able to do all of this...and also raise the next generation to be smart, happy, and well-attached? Especially when many of us parents-of-young-children have little or no family support nearby to help. After 5-1/2 years of motherhood, I cannot figure this out. It is unsolvable.

In my psychology practice, I treat a number of parents of this generation...and I hear this story over and over again. How can a mom work full-time, bring home the majority of the family's income, feed everyone, clean the house, AND get to spend time with her child? There is not enough time. There is not enough emotional space. Moms like this get no time for their own self-care. How can a father work full-time, deal with the pressures and demands of a job while supporting his family financially, and also be able to be home in time to relieve his burned-out, exhausted, stay-home wife...and be available to spend time with his children? And how can the couple, the parents, find time to connect with each other so that their marriage stays strong? Really, these are impossibilities. Yet, with lots of planning and strategizing, these parents manage to scrape by, often by lowering their standards in one of these areas. It's the only way.

You have no idea how much I wish I could solve these problems. But it is impossible. In a society where everyone is spread thin, disconnected, and life pressures and demands are enormous, parents often suffer. I know that some families have it easier than other families (when they have adequate social supports), but for the most part, I think our society has failed in this area. Where are our priorities? Help parents help their children! Come ON!!!

In Sweden, new mothers and fathers are BOTH entitled to a year of leave when a child is born. My understanding is that this is paid for with government (tax) money. In this way, the entire society has said that it values new parents and values the work they are doing to bring up the next generation. It will support them however possible. Our society seems short-sighted...will it ever change?

If you have any thoughts or strategies that have worked for you...please share them with me! I would love to hear how you're managing this selfless phase-of-life.

Averting My Eyes

Motherhood has taught me a lot of things about myself. For example, before having children, I didn't fully realize that I am a closet perfectionist. And, yes, I know that "closet perfectionist" is a double-entendre (a word/phrase with more than one meaning). So, I am a closet perfectionist because (1) my closets must be perfect and (2) I tend to not let other people know that I am a perfectionist. I didn't really have to face my own perfectionism until children came along...and...DESTROYED EVERYTHING that I was so perfectionistic about.

I have also realized that my perfectionism often manifests itself in compulsive organizing. I really, really, REALLY love it when everything has its own place, and when things are put back where they go. I RELY on being organized during crazy, stressed-out times, so that I can find what I need, when I need it.

[I'm sure you know where this is leading...]

We all know that there is no crazier, more stressed-out phase-of-life than the transition-to-parenthood. This is a time when I have needed my own organizational systems more than ever before...and, yet, since having children, my urge to organize has been the source of deep frustration for me. I have, by some miracle, found time here-and-there to create would-be effective organizational systems...like toy bins with labels, so that the kids and their babysitters can put the proper toys back in the proper bins. But, really, do you think this actually happens? (Can I get a resounding "HELL NO!"??) I have organized our mud room, kitchen cabinets, laundry room, kids closets (of course!), etc etc etc. And nothing stays put. I can never find what I need. I live in a constantly migrating house.

So, I have a new method for dealing with this problem. In order to keep myself from freaking out, crying, or flying-off-the-handle--I AVERT MY EYES. Or I shut a door. Or I make the conscious decision to not THINK about the mess-that-was-once-organized. (Really, this could make me cry. Is that insane or what?)

Because if you are like me, and you need some help with raising your kids (while you work, or even work out), and running your house...then you know that HAVING HELP = RELINQUISHING CONTROL. This is so hard for me. I want the help, but I also want other people to think and do what I would think and do...and, well, it just doesn't work like that.

And, all of this really just makes me hate the stupid Pottery Barn catalog even more. (That post is coming soon.)

How Many No's Does it Take to Equal NO! ?

My older son has stopped listening to me and GEH. It's as if he doesn't hear us at all. He starts doing something dangerous. We tell him to stop. He continues. We pester him. He continues. We nag...until we eventually have to physically interrupt whatever he is doing to get his attention. (Then he often cries and flees the room.)

What is UP with this? I did not think that age 5 would be such a challenge...I feel like he is already in the midst of some teenage-angst-ridden rebellion...ignoring, ignoring, ignoring us...and I am suddenly thrust into the role of the relentlessly nagging annoying mother who just can't let it go....

And the non-listening also happens when we go out. For instance, I took him to Target (aka, China) today to get (lead-ridden) exterior holiday lights. And, of course, he wanted everything. And, of course, I told him "no."

I remember a woman I used to babysit for advising me about being sure to routinely tell my kids "no." If I don't tell them "no" she said, they will not be able to tolerate hearing "no"...and will turn into the kind of kids no one wants to be around. So, I say this word A LOT! I mean, like, over and over and over again:

"No, you can't."
"No, not now."
"No means no!"

And, still, my kid pesters me. I mean, is he just an innocent victim of consumerism? (But this goes on even at home, when he relentlessly demands his own way.) Or does he need a hearing test? (His doctor says his hearing is on par for his age.) Because, I swear, he asks and asks and asks for things, and I repeat "no" each time. And this has. gone. on. for. YEARS.

Is it me? Is my "no" just not convincing enough? Have we coddled him too much in other ways? Do the poor starving kids in third world countries have this problem?

Ugh. Next week, I'll tell you about the whining...

Drowning in Riches

Lately I have been overwhelmed by life. I've had an ongoing sinus headache for TWO (freakin') months--don't worry, I'm seeing my doctor--my psychology practice is really busy, my husband has been traveling for work, and I am still trying to be a (semi) stay-home mom...which means taking care of children, drop-offs and pick-ups, arranging babysitters, grocery shopping (don't EVEN get me started on the f'ing grocery shopping!), and feeding feeding feeding a family of 4. Really, in my attempt to "have it all", I am just overwhelmed.

I talk to my own therapist a lot about this, and her sense is that what I am complaining about could be re-conceptualized as an "abundance of riches." And, you know what? She is right. My life is full of REALLY good stuff (with the exception of the headache...). I have a healthy, happy family, a house, cars that work, money to buy food, and the ability to work part-time and also take care of my kids. So, what the hell am I bitching about? I guess that having this great ABUNDANCE of riches still overwhelms me, since I tend to go into a frenzy of trying to do everything just right. But, I guess I could swap it all for an abundance of crap...and then I'd be really screwed.

Sometimes, re-conceptualizing things is a good idea.