My kids are having a way better childhood than my brother and I had.
Before having children, I never fully realized just how depressing my own upbringing was. It wasn't all-trauma-all-the-time, but it wasn't a bed of roses either. There was very little consistency in pretty much every area. Let me paint a brief picture. My parents went through a bitter divorce when I was a toddler and my brother was a preschooler. We lived with my mother, who moved pretty often--every 2 years on average--because, as a single mom, she had a hard time keeping a job (so she was also often broke). We visited my father, who lived a few hours away, every few weeks and we spent summers with him. My parents did not get along. My dad was more financially stable than my mom, but he drank too much and, although he could be tremendous fun, he could also be like living with a volcano--his temper would erupt unexpectedly. Each of my parents has been married and divorced several times. I honestly believe that they did the best they could raising us. This is actually not saying much, though, since I also see them as having a pretty limited capacity. (Please pardon my judgmentalness.)
When I look at the life GEH and I have made for our kids, I am amazed. We've been married for 10 years. We have lived in the same house since I was pregnant with our first son. We have a steady income. We have a clear plan for educating our children at the same school, where they can stay from k through 12 because we don't plan to move. There is always good food in our house. They heat is always on in the winter. The electricity bill gets paid monthly. There is minimal fighting. The friendships my sons are forming could potentially last throughout their lifetimes.
I'm not about to say that our life is perfect. And I am certainly not ever going to even suggest that I am perfect (because I am so flawed that it is not even funny!)...but I do love to pause and to reflect on my children's life. Because their life is good.
Watching them thrive in the world GEH and I have made for them is deeply healing. It's like through them, I get a chance to repair some of my own wounds from childhood. I get to do it better than my parents could. And my boys reap the rewards. And they don't even know it. And that (THAT!) is what makes it incredible.
Their life is so good that they can take it for granted. A men to that.
Sunday, March 27, 2011
Monday, February 28, 2011
Poop: It's What's For Dinner
My younger son, Tot-Tot, is totally obsessed with poo-poo. And pee-pee. And poo-poo and pee-pee.
He is a really verbal child. He started talking well before he was a year old. He has an extensive vocabulary. Self-expression is a true talent of his.
But you wouldn't know it.
Because, these days, it's all potty talk. All the time.
If you ask him how he's doing, he'll say, laughing: "POOPY IN YOUR UNDERPANTS!"
If you ask him what he wants for dinner, it's: "Poo-poo. And pee-pee." (And then he might add something about eating it until he gets so sick he dies. Oof.)
If you ask him to share a toy, he might respond: "I'm gonna poop all over your head!"
Behold the 3-year-old mind. (And he's turning 4 in 2 short weeks.)
My older son, Big Boy, never had a poop obsession. So even though potty talk seems totally age-appropriate, I didn't have to endure it with boy number one. Big Boy also had no problems with pooping on the potty, which has been an ongoing issue for Tot-Tot. TT is one of those preschoolers who will only poop in a pull-up. He wants to go standing up. In a corner. Often in the playroom. Or under a table. Sometimes in a restaurant. It's. So. Ew. But I try not to make a big deal of it. And he has agreed that when he is four, he will go on the potty.
God, I hope so.
And maybe...just maybe...then the endless potty talk will stop. Once the poop goes in the potty, maybe then he won't need to be so obsessed with it.
Maybe? (Please don't tell me this is just a boy thing.) (And that I will have to live with this.) (I am dreading the pre-teen years enough already.) (Thanks.)
He is a really verbal child. He started talking well before he was a year old. He has an extensive vocabulary. Self-expression is a true talent of his.
But you wouldn't know it.
Because, these days, it's all potty talk. All the time.
If you ask him how he's doing, he'll say, laughing: "POOPY IN YOUR UNDERPANTS!"
If you ask him what he wants for dinner, it's: "Poo-poo. And pee-pee." (And then he might add something about eating it until he gets so sick he dies. Oof.)
If you ask him to share a toy, he might respond: "I'm gonna poop all over your head!"
Behold the 3-year-old mind. (And he's turning 4 in 2 short weeks.)
My older son, Big Boy, never had a poop obsession. So even though potty talk seems totally age-appropriate, I didn't have to endure it with boy number one. Big Boy also had no problems with pooping on the potty, which has been an ongoing issue for Tot-Tot. TT is one of those preschoolers who will only poop in a pull-up. He wants to go standing up. In a corner. Often in the playroom. Or under a table. Sometimes in a restaurant. It's. So. Ew. But I try not to make a big deal of it. And he has agreed that when he is four, he will go on the potty.
God, I hope so.
And maybe...just maybe...then the endless potty talk will stop. Once the poop goes in the potty, maybe then he won't need to be so obsessed with it.
Maybe? (Please don't tell me this is just a boy thing.) (And that I will have to live with this.) (I am dreading the pre-teen years enough already.) (Thanks.)
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
Manifesting Mama
A friend of mine recently sent me this link to an article about a woman who, for years, visualized winning the lottery for $112 million dollars. She pictured everything, down to the shirt she would be wearing.
Then she won the lottery. For $112 million. (While wearing the shirt.)
Although this story is pretty amazing, I can't say that I am 100% convinced that people have the ability to "manifest" their futures by their own faith and conviction. But, then again, I can't say I've ever tried it. Have you? Have you ever been completely convinced, beyond a doubt, that a particular future yearned-for event would happen? And then it did?
In spite of all my endless whining, complaining, and over-analyzing of everything, I have to say that my life is actually pretty f'n good. And I do believe that I got to this point in my life because of my own drive, determination, and will-power. I'd even say that at critical moments, I had premonition-like experiences (like I had a feeling, shortly before I met my husband, that I was on the verge of finding the right man for me...I started the break-up process with my boyfriend at the time based on that feeling...then I met my husband).
But I wouldn't go so far as to say that I have made the life I want by visualizing it. I would say, though, that I have generally believed in myself and that this faith has gotten me pretty far. Lately I have been struggling with having faith in myself and my abilities...and I have begun to wonder if the problem now is that I just don't know what I want for myself. What I would manifest if I had that power?
So, I would like to try it. I'd like to do a visualization experiment. Not to test the powers of the universe, but as an exercise in working through how I imagine my future.
The problem is that I have no idea what I actually want beyond what I already have. I don't know what I want the future to look like. Maybe it never occurred to me to visualize my life beyond this current point. I never imagined what would come after getting married, having children, and running a psychology practice. And now I have achieved all of that.
So what next?
Then she won the lottery. For $112 million. (While wearing the shirt.)
Although this story is pretty amazing, I can't say that I am 100% convinced that people have the ability to "manifest" their futures by their own faith and conviction. But, then again, I can't say I've ever tried it. Have you? Have you ever been completely convinced, beyond a doubt, that a particular future yearned-for event would happen? And then it did?
In spite of all my endless whining, complaining, and over-analyzing of everything, I have to say that my life is actually pretty f'n good. And I do believe that I got to this point in my life because of my own drive, determination, and will-power. I'd even say that at critical moments, I had premonition-like experiences (like I had a feeling, shortly before I met my husband, that I was on the verge of finding the right man for me...I started the break-up process with my boyfriend at the time based on that feeling...then I met my husband).
But I wouldn't go so far as to say that I have made the life I want by visualizing it. I would say, though, that I have generally believed in myself and that this faith has gotten me pretty far. Lately I have been struggling with having faith in myself and my abilities...and I have begun to wonder if the problem now is that I just don't know what I want for myself. What I would manifest if I had that power?
So, I would like to try it. I'd like to do a visualization experiment. Not to test the powers of the universe, but as an exercise in working through how I imagine my future.
The problem is that I have no idea what I actually want beyond what I already have. I don't know what I want the future to look like. Maybe it never occurred to me to visualize my life beyond this current point. I never imagined what would come after getting married, having children, and running a psychology practice. And now I have achieved all of that.
So what next?
Sunday, February 6, 2011
Trusting Myself
Wow. Really? May 10th? 2010? That was my last post?
Jesus.
What happened to me?
It's hard to say. Or, rather, it's hard to sum up. I guess the bottom line is that life has been kicking my ass...and I am finally starting to kick back.
One of my patients recently gave me a book called "Trusting Yourself."
I love it when people give me unexpected books...usually there is some important message in it for me. And when a patient gives me a book, it is even more meaningful--since they are often also handing me a piece of themselves.
What is especially cool about reading this book is that I can see why I needed to read it. For me. And for my patient. I'm learning about us both.
I am someone who has always felt self-assured. But recently--over the past few years I guess, and especially the past year--I have felt more self-doubt than before. Doubt about myself as a mother and a wife. Doubt about myself as a friend. Doubt about myself as a professional. Doubt about myself in just about any area... This kind of self-doubt can become toxic...it can lead to self-pity, which is something I hate, but often find great comfort in.
So the book, "Trusting Yourself," was a timely gift. Because, really, trusting ourselves is our main challenge in life. Trust that you know what is right for you. Trust that you have what it takes to get where you need to go. Trust that you will be ok. Trust that you are good, through-and-through. And when you fail, trust that you will learn and will do better the next time.
If we could trust ourselves, in all areas of our lives, just imagine how free we would feel. Trusting ourselves, and accepting ourselves where we are, without judgment. If you can do that for yourself, you will be able to do it for others too. And life will be better for everyone.
Jesus.
What happened to me?
It's hard to say. Or, rather, it's hard to sum up. I guess the bottom line is that life has been kicking my ass...and I am finally starting to kick back.
One of my patients recently gave me a book called "Trusting Yourself."
I love it when people give me unexpected books...usually there is some important message in it for me. And when a patient gives me a book, it is even more meaningful--since they are often also handing me a piece of themselves.
What is especially cool about reading this book is that I can see why I needed to read it. For me. And for my patient. I'm learning about us both.
I am someone who has always felt self-assured. But recently--over the past few years I guess, and especially the past year--I have felt more self-doubt than before. Doubt about myself as a mother and a wife. Doubt about myself as a friend. Doubt about myself as a professional. Doubt about myself in just about any area... This kind of self-doubt can become toxic...it can lead to self-pity, which is something I hate, but often find great comfort in.
So the book, "Trusting Yourself," was a timely gift. Because, really, trusting ourselves is our main challenge in life. Trust that you know what is right for you. Trust that you have what it takes to get where you need to go. Trust that you will be ok. Trust that you are good, through-and-through. And when you fail, trust that you will learn and will do better the next time.
If we could trust ourselves, in all areas of our lives, just imagine how free we would feel. Trusting ourselves, and accepting ourselves where we are, without judgment. If you can do that for yourself, you will be able to do it for others too. And life will be better for everyone.
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
Where My Kids At?
Have you seen this funny ad on youtube.com?:
Of all the hysterical Sienna video clips on youtube--this one is my favorite!
I've been trying to figure out what I like about it...here's what I've come up with:
-I can totally relate to the frustration of HOW LONG IT TAKES TO RAISE KIDS.
-I FREQUENTLY wish my kids would GROW UP and HELP OUT.
-I have a hard time playing with my kids...I have many "that's all I got" moments.
-It cracks me up that he's so bitter, talking about the gauntlet of children and toys when there's really not anything dangerous in his path...it just highlights the truth of how parenthood can feel HARDER than maybe it really is.
-I really appreciate all of this guys disavowed anger and frustration...he loves his kids, but the bitterness (ahh...the bitterness...) is ever-present.
-This clip captures the essence of how I (we?) often wish kids would be little adults...and, if we're honest with ourselves...we have to realize that the problem is not really the kids, but our own impatience and narcissism...and, believe me, I have it, too!
-And, really, it just sucks that kids mess with your stuff. Like when else in life do people get to mess with your stuff and you have to just TOLERATE IT?
-I also own a minivan...and I love it...although it decidedly does NOT make me feel like a hottie!
:)
Of all the hysterical Sienna video clips on youtube--this one is my favorite!
I've been trying to figure out what I like about it...here's what I've come up with:
-I can totally relate to the frustration of HOW LONG IT TAKES TO RAISE KIDS.
-I FREQUENTLY wish my kids would GROW UP and HELP OUT.
-I have a hard time playing with my kids...I have many "that's all I got" moments.
-It cracks me up that he's so bitter, talking about the gauntlet of children and toys when there's really not anything dangerous in his path...it just highlights the truth of how parenthood can feel HARDER than maybe it really is.
-I really appreciate all of this guys disavowed anger and frustration...he loves his kids, but the bitterness (ahh...the bitterness...) is ever-present.
-This clip captures the essence of how I (we?) often wish kids would be little adults...and, if we're honest with ourselves...we have to realize that the problem is not really the kids, but our own impatience and narcissism...and, believe me, I have it, too!
-And, really, it just sucks that kids mess with your stuff. Like when else in life do people get to mess with your stuff and you have to just TOLERATE IT?
-I also own a minivan...and I love it...although it decidedly does NOT make me feel like a hottie!
:)
Sunday, May 23, 2010
Tot-Tot Gets Moral
My husband desperately needed a break today, so I decided to take the kids out for a Sunday afternoon on my own. I actually love these kinds of outing with them; solo-parent-with-no-agenda afternoons rock. I let them pick where they wanted to go, and out-of-the-blue, my 3-year-old, Tot-Tot, decides that today is the day for his first-ever carousel ride. So, off to the mall we go...me and 2 happy, excited boys...and we buy TICKETS (tickets are apparently VERY exciting!) and hitch a ride...
And after 3 consecutive rides, I was completely queasy and convinced the kids to get an early dinner...
--skip to bedtime---
As I was putting Tot-Tot to bed tonight, he was full of questions about the merry-go-round. But he wasn't interested in things like the mechanics of it, like his older brother would have been at this age, he was interested in...the tickets! He asked me over-and-over-again about the tickets...it went something like this:
tt: Mommy, why do you need a ticket to go on the carousel?
me: to show that you paid for the ride
tt: you have to pay for the ride?
me: yes, the ticket shows that you paid for the ride
tt: but why do you have to pay?
me: because it costs money for them to run the carousel...so everyone has to pay for that
tt: but what if you got on the ride WITHOUT a ticket???
me: you can't get on the ride without a ticket
tt: (excited) but what if you DID?! What if you got on the ride anyhow, without a ticket??!?
me: then they would take you off of the ride, because you have to have a ticket
tt: (more excited) but what if you STILL GOT ON THE RIDE WITH NO TICKET?!?
me: you can't ride without a ticket, it's not allowed
tt: BUT WHAT IF A KID GETS ON THE RIDE WITH NO TICKET?????
me: (exasperated) Then you'd get a free ride. But it would be naughty.
tt: And then the POLICE WOULD COME! And they would TAKE YOU TO JAIL! And they would GO AWAY and LEAVE YOU THERE and you'd have to STAY IN JAIL!
me: Well, I don't know. If that happened mommy would come get you.
tt: So you should just get a ticket and not go to jail.
me: Right.
What would Kohlberg say?
And after 3 consecutive rides, I was completely queasy and convinced the kids to get an early dinner...
--skip to bedtime---
As I was putting Tot-Tot to bed tonight, he was full of questions about the merry-go-round. But he wasn't interested in things like the mechanics of it, like his older brother would have been at this age, he was interested in...the tickets! He asked me over-and-over-again about the tickets...it went something like this:
tt: Mommy, why do you need a ticket to go on the carousel?
me: to show that you paid for the ride
tt: you have to pay for the ride?
me: yes, the ticket shows that you paid for the ride
tt: but why do you have to pay?
me: because it costs money for them to run the carousel...so everyone has to pay for that
tt: but what if you got on the ride WITHOUT a ticket???
me: you can't get on the ride without a ticket
tt: (excited) but what if you DID?! What if you got on the ride anyhow, without a ticket??!?
me: then they would take you off of the ride, because you have to have a ticket
tt: (more excited) but what if you STILL GOT ON THE RIDE WITH NO TICKET?!?
me: you can't ride without a ticket, it's not allowed
tt: BUT WHAT IF A KID GETS ON THE RIDE WITH NO TICKET?????
me: (exasperated) Then you'd get a free ride. But it would be naughty.
tt: And then the POLICE WOULD COME! And they would TAKE YOU TO JAIL! And they would GO AWAY and LEAVE YOU THERE and you'd have to STAY IN JAIL!
me: Well, I don't know. If that happened mommy would come get you.
tt: So you should just get a ticket and not go to jail.
me: Right.
What would Kohlberg say?
Sunday, April 25, 2010
SIX
Dear Big Boy,
Six years ago, you came into the world purple and screaming. The first thought I remember having when you were handed to me was that you looked just like your dad! (And, of course, he thought you were VERY CUTE!) It was amazing to meet you, my tiny baby who had been kicking me from the inside and keeping me company for 40 weeks. To this day, your dad and I are astounded that you came from us. You have made the world a miraculous place.
As you turn six, I am in awe of you. You are so smart, so thoughtful, so considerate, and so PERSISTENT. You are incredibly kind with your little brother, and much of the time you are patient with him. Some of the things you say just amaze me, especially when you talk about PEACE (boy at school: "My plane shoots six bullets", You: "my plane shoots nothing that can hurt anyone!"), KINDNESS ("You should do to others what you want them to do to you. That is the golden rule. I like that rule."), SCHOLARSHIP ("When I am a man, I am going to be a scientist like daddy"), and YOURSELF ("Art is my talent. And also break dancing.").
One area where you struggle is with self-assertion, especially at school. (BELIEVE ME, you have NO TROUBLE with self-assertion at HOME!) It is hard for you to ask the teacher for help. When other kids bother or hurt you, you have trouble telling them to quit. You are sometimes shy with other children, although this year I have seen you emerging and engaging. When other kids greet you, your eyes brighten with pride. Those moments warm my heart more than any other.
Lately, you have begun to express your frustration in a new way: a primal SCREAM that is so loud it rattles the windows. When you are angry or can't immediately get your way, you shriek at the top of your lungs like an angry adolescent lion. It has been hard to know how to help you at these times, but we are getting the hang of it. Instead of stopping you, we join you, growling and grumbling about how ANGRY and FRUSTRATED we are. Sometimes this makes you laugh. Sometimes it makes you scream louder. (Which sometimes makes me scream louder, too!) As much as the screaming has surprised me, I am proud of it. I am proud of your emerging voice, your expression of feeling, your assertion of your anger. I hope this scream connects you to your own power because you will need it someday--and I know it is in there!
There are so many things that I want for you. I want you to have a warm, happy home. I want you to have a strong sense of pride. I want you to learn the joy of reading and writing. I want you to know you are loved at every moment (primal scream included). I wish I had a larger family to share with you, but I hope that what we give you is enough.
Happy Birthday!
Six years ago, you came into the world purple and screaming. The first thought I remember having when you were handed to me was that you looked just like your dad! (And, of course, he thought you were VERY CUTE!) It was amazing to meet you, my tiny baby who had been kicking me from the inside and keeping me company for 40 weeks. To this day, your dad and I are astounded that you came from us. You have made the world a miraculous place.
As you turn six, I am in awe of you. You are so smart, so thoughtful, so considerate, and so PERSISTENT. You are incredibly kind with your little brother, and much of the time you are patient with him. Some of the things you say just amaze me, especially when you talk about PEACE (boy at school: "My plane shoots six bullets", You: "my plane shoots nothing that can hurt anyone!"), KINDNESS ("You should do to others what you want them to do to you. That is the golden rule. I like that rule."), SCHOLARSHIP ("When I am a man, I am going to be a scientist like daddy"), and YOURSELF ("Art is my talent. And also break dancing.").
One area where you struggle is with self-assertion, especially at school. (BELIEVE ME, you have NO TROUBLE with self-assertion at HOME!) It is hard for you to ask the teacher for help. When other kids bother or hurt you, you have trouble telling them to quit. You are sometimes shy with other children, although this year I have seen you emerging and engaging. When other kids greet you, your eyes brighten with pride. Those moments warm my heart more than any other.
Lately, you have begun to express your frustration in a new way: a primal SCREAM that is so loud it rattles the windows. When you are angry or can't immediately get your way, you shriek at the top of your lungs like an angry adolescent lion. It has been hard to know how to help you at these times, but we are getting the hang of it. Instead of stopping you, we join you, growling and grumbling about how ANGRY and FRUSTRATED we are. Sometimes this makes you laugh. Sometimes it makes you scream louder. (Which sometimes makes me scream louder, too!) As much as the screaming has surprised me, I am proud of it. I am proud of your emerging voice, your expression of feeling, your assertion of your anger. I hope this scream connects you to your own power because you will need it someday--and I know it is in there!
There are so many things that I want for you. I want you to have a warm, happy home. I want you to have a strong sense of pride. I want you to learn the joy of reading and writing. I want you to know you are loved at every moment (primal scream included). I wish I had a larger family to share with you, but I hope that what we give you is enough.
Happy Birthday!
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