10. The Web (facebook, blogs, etc)
9. Getting laundry done
8. Sex (didn't this used to be #1??)
7. Having a predictable routine
6. Work (see #7)
5. A good cry in therapy!
4. Any live connection to friends
3. Good-night snuggles with my boys
2. Gym Time
1. Sleep
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
Sunday, January 3, 2010
Fly Away Home
Last night, I was at a local bookstore browsing in the children's section for a book for my 5-year-old, when I came across a book called "Fly Away Home." The cover showed a boy and his dad at an airport.
I thought the book would be about a boy taking a plane trip with his dad.
It's not.
It's about a homeless boy and his dad who live at the airport.
The story is written from the young boy's perspective. In the book, the boy describes his life with his father--trying to exist in a city airport, unnoticed. He tells us about their daily routine of careful maneuvering around the airport, using the bathrooms to get clean, eating at the various food stands, sleeping sitting up in chairs, and generally trying to blend in with the crowds so as not to get kicked out. He also mentions times when his dad seems upset and exasperated while trying to find a job and a stable home for himself and his child.
There are many amazing things about this sad tale, but I was mostly struck by the happy tone of the homeless boy. Clearly he wants a home, but he also seems to feel safe with the routine he has with his dad. His father can't afford to pay rent, but has found a safe alternative and has used skillful planning to keep them from getting caught and evicted. As a result, the boy knows that he is cared for. He knows that he means something great to his struggling father. And, even though they are homeless, he thrives under his father's wing.
Of course, as a parent, I instantly connected with the father's point-of-view. I can't imagine what it would be like to be unable to provide basic necessities for my children. But, then again, this boy shows the reader that what really matters most is caring guidance and love. And in this story, the father is able to give these things...which is really an unbelievable feat for a parent under tremendous stress. (Yes, I know this is just a story...)
I might go back to get the book. I don't know if I want to read it to my 5-year-old son just yet, but I might want to re-read it myself from time-to-time, as a reminder to appreciate the great things I have in life.
I thought the book would be about a boy taking a plane trip with his dad.
It's not.
It's about a homeless boy and his dad who live at the airport.
The story is written from the young boy's perspective. In the book, the boy describes his life with his father--trying to exist in a city airport, unnoticed. He tells us about their daily routine of careful maneuvering around the airport, using the bathrooms to get clean, eating at the various food stands, sleeping sitting up in chairs, and generally trying to blend in with the crowds so as not to get kicked out. He also mentions times when his dad seems upset and exasperated while trying to find a job and a stable home for himself and his child.
There are many amazing things about this sad tale, but I was mostly struck by the happy tone of the homeless boy. Clearly he wants a home, but he also seems to feel safe with the routine he has with his dad. His father can't afford to pay rent, but has found a safe alternative and has used skillful planning to keep them from getting caught and evicted. As a result, the boy knows that he is cared for. He knows that he means something great to his struggling father. And, even though they are homeless, he thrives under his father's wing.
Of course, as a parent, I instantly connected with the father's point-of-view. I can't imagine what it would be like to be unable to provide basic necessities for my children. But, then again, this boy shows the reader that what really matters most is caring guidance and love. And in this story, the father is able to give these things...which is really an unbelievable feat for a parent under tremendous stress. (Yes, I know this is just a story...)
I might go back to get the book. I don't know if I want to read it to my 5-year-old son just yet, but I might want to re-read it myself from time-to-time, as a reminder to appreciate the great things I have in life.
Friday, January 1, 2010
Confessions from 2009--A Day Late
(Inspired by: Carolyn...Online)
Even though I hated all the grocery shopping...there is also something I liked about controlling the food that's in the house. (Same goes for cooking dinner.)
I routinely hid my favorite coffee mug from the babysitter.
I bumped into someone's car, and when they didn't notice, I didn't tell them. (I don't think I left a mark, but, still...)
I had my knives "professionally" sharpened, which ruined them. I returned them to the store where they were bought (not sharpened), complaining that they dulled too easily. I plan to use the money to buy a new set of the exact same knives, and take better care of them.
I had many hateful thoughts directed toward non-parents.
Sometimes I thought I was smarter than everyone else. Really. I thought this. Ha!
I escaped domestic chores because I had a lot of work to do. Then I got on Facebook instead of doing it.
I returned many of the toys my sons got for Christmas. I just couldn't stand the clutter and junkiness. They haven't noticed because I used the store credit to buy them new (toy) electric guitars. (Now I want to return those, too...)
I have been very greedy when it comes to sleep. I probably should have gotten up with the kids on at least SOME of those Saturday mornings...
I have felt competitive with other women in my profession. I hate that.
I frequently forgot to count my blessings. Let's hope that gets better in 2010.
Happy New Year!
Even though I hated all the grocery shopping...there is also something I liked about controlling the food that's in the house. (Same goes for cooking dinner.)
I routinely hid my favorite coffee mug from the babysitter.
I bumped into someone's car, and when they didn't notice, I didn't tell them. (I don't think I left a mark, but, still...)
I had my knives "professionally" sharpened, which ruined them. I returned them to the store where they were bought (not sharpened), complaining that they dulled too easily. I plan to use the money to buy a new set of the exact same knives, and take better care of them.
I had many hateful thoughts directed toward non-parents.
Sometimes I thought I was smarter than everyone else. Really. I thought this. Ha!
I escaped domestic chores because I had a lot of work to do. Then I got on Facebook instead of doing it.
I returned many of the toys my sons got for Christmas. I just couldn't stand the clutter and junkiness. They haven't noticed because I used the store credit to buy them new (toy) electric guitars. (Now I want to return those, too...)
I have been very greedy when it comes to sleep. I probably should have gotten up with the kids on at least SOME of those Saturday mornings...
I have felt competitive with other women in my profession. I hate that.
I frequently forgot to count my blessings. Let's hope that gets better in 2010.
Happy New Year!
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
History of Holiday Hurts
From the time I can remember, the holidays have been rough. My parents got divorced when I was 2 years old, and there was no greater time of parental struggles than during the holidays. The struggles were always over where the kids would go for Christmas, and when they would arrive. And no matter what, we were always delivered to one parent or another LATER than agreed upon, which always caused someone to be angry, hurt, and disappointed. This was the case for my entire childhood, year after year. No matter which parent I was with, I felt I was letting the other parent down, hurting them by not being there. (Even though, of course, none of this was my fault...)
Once I met my husband, he pointed out that this pattern was still going on, even in my adult years. In fact, he made a list entitled "The History of Holiday Hurts." Every year, he would write onto the list what the annual "hurt" was. The list is very full now, mostly of complaints made by each of my parents. My father never gets enough attention for the gifts he gives. My mother never feels we spend enough time with her. Hurt, hurt, hurt....waah, waah, waah...
Now that we have THE LIST, I can really see what I have done wrong...Nothing! My parents just act like little babies at this time of year, and apparently this has been the case since I was a toddler.
So, this year, we spent the holidays at home with our children and our friends--and did not invite my mom or dad. Sure, my parents were hurt by this, but at least I only had to deal with the occasional whining of my young boys (who are at an age where whining is EXPECTED)! I felt a lot of my own angst about this decision, but I don't think my kids could tell, since they had an awesome time!
Sorry, Mom and Dad, if this hurt you again. But I am trying to stay focused on your grandchildren so that the holidays don't fill them with anxiety and guilt when they're parents themselves.
(note: my parents don't actually read this blog.)
Once I met my husband, he pointed out that this pattern was still going on, even in my adult years. In fact, he made a list entitled "The History of Holiday Hurts." Every year, he would write onto the list what the annual "hurt" was. The list is very full now, mostly of complaints made by each of my parents. My father never gets enough attention for the gifts he gives. My mother never feels we spend enough time with her. Hurt, hurt, hurt....waah, waah, waah...
Now that we have THE LIST, I can really see what I have done wrong...Nothing! My parents just act like little babies at this time of year, and apparently this has been the case since I was a toddler.
So, this year, we spent the holidays at home with our children and our friends--and did not invite my mom or dad. Sure, my parents were hurt by this, but at least I only had to deal with the occasional whining of my young boys (who are at an age where whining is EXPECTED)! I felt a lot of my own angst about this decision, but I don't think my kids could tell, since they had an awesome time!
Sorry, Mom and Dad, if this hurt you again. But I am trying to stay focused on your grandchildren so that the holidays don't fill them with anxiety and guilt when they're parents themselves.
(note: my parents don't actually read this blog.)
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
8 Minutes
I have 8 minutes before the sitter leaves. What shall I do with this time?
I could-
Do some work or
Update my website or
Wrap presents or
Think or
Fix the broken towel-holder in the bathroom or
Look up holiday recipes or
Put away my shoes or
Clean off my desk or
Eat or
Start printing 2 years' worth of photos or
Reply to e-mails or
Return phone calls or
Cancel tomorrow's dentist appointment or
Put away groceries or
Plan for my workshop or
Internet shop for diapers or
Balance my checkbook or
Make a to-do list or
Start the next grocery list or
Breathe or
Sit or
Pee...
Maybe I'll multitask and do these last 3 at once...oh, no...too late. Time's up.
I could-
Do some work or
Update my website or
Wrap presents or
Think or
Fix the broken towel-holder in the bathroom or
Look up holiday recipes or
Put away my shoes or
Clean off my desk or
Eat or
Start printing 2 years' worth of photos or
Reply to e-mails or
Return phone calls or
Cancel tomorrow's dentist appointment or
Put away groceries or
Plan for my workshop or
Internet shop for diapers or
Balance my checkbook or
Make a to-do list or
Start the next grocery list or
Breathe or
Sit or
Pee...
Maybe I'll multitask and do these last 3 at once...oh, no...too late. Time's up.
Sunday, December 13, 2009
Rock-a-Bye
Have you ever thought about the lyrics to "rock-a-bye baby?"
My toddler, Tot-Tot, has recently been asking me to sing "rock-a-bye baby" to him. I sing it, changing the lyrics from "down will come baby" to "mommy will catch you." Of course, I KNOW that this defeats the whole purpose of the song, which, in my shrink-ish opinion, is to serve as an outlet for maternal aggression. ("All your crying makes me want to throw you from a tree! But I can't, so I'll sing you this sweet-angry song instead," for example...) But, I don't feel particularly aggressive toward my toddler (since now he sleeps all night!), and I don't want to make him scared of falling objects, and I don't want to answer the million questions about how the baby got in the tree, and why he had to fall...so I change the lyrics.
But, now my son has adapted the lyrics even further. He asks me to sing that I am the one up in the tree, that I must fall, and that HE will catch ME.
Touche, Tot-Tot, touche!
My toddler, Tot-Tot, has recently been asking me to sing "rock-a-bye baby" to him. I sing it, changing the lyrics from "down will come baby" to "mommy will catch you." Of course, I KNOW that this defeats the whole purpose of the song, which, in my shrink-ish opinion, is to serve as an outlet for maternal aggression. ("All your crying makes me want to throw you from a tree! But I can't, so I'll sing you this sweet-angry song instead," for example...) But, I don't feel particularly aggressive toward my toddler (since now he sleeps all night!), and I don't want to make him scared of falling objects, and I don't want to answer the million questions about how the baby got in the tree, and why he had to fall...so I change the lyrics.
But, now my son has adapted the lyrics even further. He asks me to sing that I am the one up in the tree, that I must fall, and that HE will catch ME.
Touche, Tot-Tot, touche!
Thursday, December 3, 2009
Parent Squeeze
Our society is rough on new families. Really, really rough. What is expected seems impossible: bring in money, run a home, care for small, dependent, children (who are prone to self-injurious behaviors), manage cars, toys, clothes, and shoes, keep everyone fed and cleaned...the list goes on and on. And, in this fast-paced, race, race, race world, how are parents supposed to be able to do all of this...and also raise the next generation to be smart, happy, and well-attached? Especially when many of us parents-of-young-children have little or no family support nearby to help. After 5-1/2 years of motherhood, I cannot figure this out. It is unsolvable.
In my psychology practice, I treat a number of parents of this generation...and I hear this story over and over again. How can a mom work full-time, bring home the majority of the family's income, feed everyone, clean the house, AND get to spend time with her child? There is not enough time. There is not enough emotional space. Moms like this get no time for their own self-care. How can a father work full-time, deal with the pressures and demands of a job while supporting his family financially, and also be able to be home in time to relieve his burned-out, exhausted, stay-home wife...and be available to spend time with his children? And how can the couple, the parents, find time to connect with each other so that their marriage stays strong? Really, these are impossibilities. Yet, with lots of planning and strategizing, these parents manage to scrape by, often by lowering their standards in one of these areas. It's the only way.
You have no idea how much I wish I could solve these problems. But it is impossible. In a society where everyone is spread thin, disconnected, and life pressures and demands are enormous, parents often suffer. I know that some families have it easier than other families (when they have adequate social supports), but for the most part, I think our society has failed in this area. Where are our priorities? Help parents help their children! Come ON!!!
In Sweden, new mothers and fathers are BOTH entitled to a year of leave when a child is born. My understanding is that this is paid for with government (tax) money. In this way, the entire society has said that it values new parents and values the work they are doing to bring up the next generation. It will support them however possible. Our society seems short-sighted...will it ever change?
If you have any thoughts or strategies that have worked for you...please share them with me! I would love to hear how you're managing this selfless phase-of-life.
In my psychology practice, I treat a number of parents of this generation...and I hear this story over and over again. How can a mom work full-time, bring home the majority of the family's income, feed everyone, clean the house, AND get to spend time with her child? There is not enough time. There is not enough emotional space. Moms like this get no time for their own self-care. How can a father work full-time, deal with the pressures and demands of a job while supporting his family financially, and also be able to be home in time to relieve his burned-out, exhausted, stay-home wife...and be available to spend time with his children? And how can the couple, the parents, find time to connect with each other so that their marriage stays strong? Really, these are impossibilities. Yet, with lots of planning and strategizing, these parents manage to scrape by, often by lowering their standards in one of these areas. It's the only way.
You have no idea how much I wish I could solve these problems. But it is impossible. In a society where everyone is spread thin, disconnected, and life pressures and demands are enormous, parents often suffer. I know that some families have it easier than other families (when they have adequate social supports), but for the most part, I think our society has failed in this area. Where are our priorities? Help parents help their children! Come ON!!!
In Sweden, new mothers and fathers are BOTH entitled to a year of leave when a child is born. My understanding is that this is paid for with government (tax) money. In this way, the entire society has said that it values new parents and values the work they are doing to bring up the next generation. It will support them however possible. Our society seems short-sighted...will it ever change?
If you have any thoughts or strategies that have worked for you...please share them with me! I would love to hear how you're managing this selfless phase-of-life.
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