Friday, September 25, 2009

Dirty Mommy

For the first several years of motherhood, my appearance was very important to me. Maybe it was a holdover from my working-woman self, but every morning, I showered and blow-dried my hair. Every. Morning. Without. Fail. I never even thought there was another way to be. I never really thought about how my appearance looked to other moms...It was just a compulsion to be "put together" before I left the house. But, for the past several months, I haven't had the time to shower and blow-dry my hair each and every (freakin') morning. I started going to the gym on days I don't work, so now, I don't want to shower first. I want to go get stinky dirty grimy sweaty before I bother taking a shower. This means I often leave the house with baggy frumpy not-cute gym clothes on, my greasy hair covered by a hat. And...I have to tell you, I have made a lot more friends and acquaintances in my nasty-dirty state than I ever did when I was clean-and-fresh. It's funny. Apparently there's nothing like a hat and greasy hair to even the playing field, to show the world that you're right there with them, trying to fit it all in...

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Maternal Happiness is...



-my boys laughing together
-GEH walking in the door at dinnertime
-getting the chance to miss my kids
-the sun coming out just when it looks like rain (and it's time for school pick-up)
-childhood excitement about pumpkin season
-glimpses of the brother bond
-hearing GEH's voice reading bedtime stories
-working enough hours to be sane
-greeting a happy child after a day at school
-a bag full of library books
-a trustworthy babysitter
-a trustworthy babysitter WHO DOES THE DISHES!
-children sleeping past 6am
-knowing that your children are thriving, even when you're apart
-getting the chance to contribute 2 great (feminist!) men to the world
:)

Sunday, September 20, 2009

Confession

You may as well know that I am not close with my mother. Since she's unlikely to find this blog, I can be pretty honest about this. My mom and I don't talk very often and, when we do talk, it's mostly me trying to get off of the phone. But, even though I am often the one trying to flee the relationship, I am still really mad that I am not closer to her. Of course, I have lots and lots of good reasons for keeping her at an arm's length (it became clear that this was necessary when my kids were born, for their well-being...you'll just have to take my word for it). But still...I yearn for what so many other moms have, which I won't ever have: a mother to nurture me while I nurture my kids. I think about this a lot on days like today.

We drove yesterday to visit my in-laws for Rosh Hashanah. It's a long trip both ways, especially when you factor in toddler whining and crying and kindergartner demandingness. So, today we were exhausted; but still, there were the usual chores to do...I spent the entire day doing chores, running errands, and cooking for the next week. And, in the midst of all of this, I felt like crying out of self-pity. I am so tired of giving and care-taking, and I want a little pay back. GEH gives me what he can, but he is tired, too, from all the giving and care-taking he's doing on his end. And, anyhow, what I need can't just come from him. I need the support of another woman. I joke that I need a wife, but, really, I need a mother: one whom I can rely on, who nurtures, who cooks, who listens, and who knows, loves, and plays with my kids (they need this, too).

I barely ever let myself consider what motherhood would be like if I were close to my mom. The vision is just too far from reality...it's like looking at the sun--if I do it for more than a second it becomes hot, blinding, and painful.

So, there. Now you know.

Friday, September 18, 2009

Family Stretch Marks?

GEH and I spent a lot of time planning this year's school schedule. We live in an urban area, and decided to use private schools for our kids. This meant that we couldn't just enroll our older son in kindergarten, but we had to apply for him to be admitted. We strategized. We applied. Big Boy got in. We changed him to the new school last week, and he is thriving. Kindergarten: check.

We also noticed that our 2 1/2 year old seemed bored at home, so we decided to enroll him in a little preschool 2 days per week. We chose a school that has a great program and is near Big Boy's school. We also had to apply, and he was also accepted. But, in this case, little Tot Tot, it turns out, does NOT seem to be a fan of school. (At least not yet.) The first week, he cried at drop-off, he cried at reunion, and he cried if you said the word "school." He told us all weekend (between tantrums) that he doesn't want to go back to school, and that he wants to know why kids have to cry at school. (So sad, little tot!) He has been really trying to understand the concept of being left somewhere without one of his main people (parents, sitter, big brother), since this has never happened before. He asked us over-and-over "why do daddies bring you to school, play with you, and then they have to go to work???"

So, we were left with the sense that we'd made the wrong choice to send him to school. He's young after all, and he is fine at home with a babysitter. It is easier for mama, too, to not have to go get him early so that he won't cry ALL day...But, then, we heard little Tot singing a new "clean up" song when he was putting his toys away. (What? Putting his toys away?!?! When did this happen?)

And it struck me that this kid is going to be Ok. He will adapt. He is more resilient than we think he is, and now is a chance for him to stretch himself to learn how to be in a new (safe and secure) environment. If we bail out, we miss our chance for him to (1) learn, (2) have fun, and (3) use his own skills to manage something new. When I picked him up early on his first day of preschool, for example, I found him rubbing the little crevice above his upper lip, which is what he does when he needs to soothe himself. At first, I felt sad, like "oh-no, he's so stressed that he's rubbing his lip"...but then I corrected myself, thinking "wait--but thank GOD he has that little trick and knows how to use it!"

This week's school experience was a little better...less crying at school and at home, fewer why-questions about going to school, and less overall resistence. Maybe by next week he'll be even more acclimated, and will start to have the fun we promised him! I feel proud of the little guy for starting to work out this big change for himself, and I feel proud of us for trusting him.